- Dimples. When a person has dimples, there is an inverse relationship of cuteness to frequency of smiling. The more frequently a person with dimples smiles, the less cute they appear. Other than the time A.C. Slater and Zach Morris fought, I don’t remember ever seeing Mario Lopez frown. Hence, a cute level of 0.
- Perpetual tan. I’m Irish. You’re just making me jealous.
- Unkempt eyebrows. You’re gay, you’re supposed to have that shit covered.
- Falsies. Blue eyes are reserved for people that are intriguing and smart. Like me. You’re neither. Henceforth, those must be contacts.
- Ironic smile. I’ll see your poor self-esteem and raise you a past unhealthy relationship with food.
- DSL
- Dead eyes. Mostly affecting people with no intellect or talents. Don’t believe me? Go rent the Olsen Twins’ Holiday in the Sun and Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.
- The blond beard and ’stache. Not cute on anyone.
- The wonders of science. Thank goodness for scientific discoveries. Without them, Heidi’s face, hair, and body as we know it wouldn’t exist.
- Self-explanatory
- Nostrils. Do those things ever settle down?
- Cheekbones made of marble
- Hair that’s better than mine
- Baby face. Stop singing about girls and go build a tent-fort.
- …Nothing exceptional going on here. Which must explain the ridiculous outfits they put you in.
- Squinty eyes
- Weird teeth
- “Angry” eyebrows
- Lips. Can you close them?!
- Overall alien-resemblance
And there you have it. A thoroughly-researched, comprehensive list of today’s most annoying faces. I hope I haven’t hurt too many of your feelings, Interneters. Be gentle.
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